How to Be Kind to Yourself; Helen’s Top Five Tips

There are some recurrent themes with the mums and women I have worked with over the past two years; the constant feeling of pressure, being busy but not necessarily fulfilled, feeling tired but then guilty for craving some time to themselves. You wouldn’t believe how often the word guilt comes up in a coaching conversation.

When did our own physical, mental and emotional needs get pushed so low down our agenda?

I think it’s time we stopped that endless cycle of guilt and comparisonitus and put our own needs, wishes and desires back up the top of our lists.

Hitting midlife seems to have this effect on many women as we realise how much time and energy we’ve ploughed elsewhere in the previous decades. Have you ever wondered what would happen if you pressed pause and refocused your attention on yourself?

Here are five tips on how to be kind to yourself, compiled from both my personal experience and conversations with many, many mums.

Practice gratitude and journaling

I’m now a huge fan of practicing daily gratitude but for many years this wasn’t my natural go to position. It’s taken me time to reprogram the way I think. I can highly recommend giving it a go.

Journaling helps you focus on each day, on the small steps you can take, on the small achievements you can make and is useful for overthinkers and worriers.

Having a shot of daily gratitude has been proven to reduce anxiety and stress, it helps you release toxic emotions, increases your sleep quality and overall wellbeing. It’s certainly ticked a lot of those boxes for me.

Of course you can just free write but I particularly love the structure and prompts that The Positive Planner journal offers. It has useful exercises and reflections at the beginning of the journal and daily intention setting, self-care, and gratitude sections. Self-care for me it often just stopping for a coffee and a chat, it doesn’t have to be anything mega!

I’ve found it hugely beneficial to focus on the small, positive steps I can make each day and helps me to deal with the pressures of daily life.

Say goodbye to your inner critic

How often do you hear yourself saying “I must” “I should” “I can’t”  “I’m not…”

These are all negative and limiting beliefs that fill our heads. So integrated into our behaviour and thought patterns that we barely notice them.

Where have those beliefs come from? Often from our earlier years, our families, how we were parented ourselves. Sometimes our self-esteem has taken a knock from an incident and it’s hard to move on from the negative emotions it evokes.

But what happens when you take a step back from these beliefs, when you challenge them and begin to reframe them? I’ll tell you what happens- magic! When you realise that this belief has become stuck within you and that if you reshape it, rework it and try a different way of looking at things you can change the narrative in your head and be free.

Next time you find yourself about to say or think one of those limiting beliefs, stop and imagine what a different belief might be. How would that change your thinking and your next action?

It’s an interesting exercise and we use this technique a lot in coaching and NLP. It can be tricky to do on your own initially so this is where you might want to give me a call to help.

Remember, be kind to yourself, what advice would you give a friend here?

Understand your needs

Spend time figuring out what you need in your life to thrive. What amount of sleep, exercise, social interaction, privacy, food etc. do you need? We’re all different and it’s not a competition. If you need an evening or weekend with nothing planned in, ensure you have that time. If you know you thrive on social interaction, ensure you’re meeting people that build you up and make you feel happy and positive about yourself. And stop feeling guilty for needing to do these things.

I love using the Human Givens Therapeutic approach for this which offers a framework of needs as a human that we ALL need to thrive and succeed. It’s easy to understand and helps to draw out those areas that you many need to prioritise. Jane enjoyed using them…

“I had three sessions with Helen to help me navigate my way to focus on myself after my son finished school. She helped me to concentrate on three main areas and remove blocks in all. I feel that the experience with Helen has given me permission to put myself first in my own life.” Jane

Reassess your priorities and purpose

Instead of calling it a midlife crisis, let’s think of it as a midlife reset. By the time you’re in your 40’s and 50’s you’ve probably been working in your industry for over 20 years. If you’re a mum you’ve potentially been focused on your parenting role for a decade or two. You’ve perhaps also become a carer to an elderly parent or even been bereaved. If you feel like you need to reset and work out what the next 20-30 years looks like I think that’s a good thing and normal.

Here's where I can really help you dig into what lights your fire now and what your dreams are for the future. I use visualisation a lot as it taps in to the subconscious mind and throws up images and desires you didn’t even know you had!

I’ll encourage you to look at your core values in life and assess how closely matched they are with your current reality. It can be an eye-opening exercise if you realise you’ve wandered off track and it often explains that stuck and dissatisfied feeling.

When you are living life in true alignment with your core values you feel alive, fulfilled and happy.If you’ve always wanted to do something, now is the time to get out there and make it happen.

Alex came on one of my free Dare to Dream calls and within an hour she’d worked out what she needed to do…

“Helen helped me find some clarity around what's holding me back from achieving my dream of finishing my novel. I've already got some ideas about what changes I need to make in my life - and I'm raring to go! Helen, thank you so much for your warmth, empathy and wise words.” Alex

Talk about your feelings

I’m a coach so I’m big on talking! But honestly talking really helped me a while back deal with some toxicity in my life. Without it I felt like my head was going to explode with the swirl of thoughts and emotions.

So, whether it’s to friends, family, your partner or me, please talk. Don’t assume that everyone else has their shit sorted out because I can tell you they really don’t. In fact a lot of the time our inner dialogues are surprisingly similar.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or stuck about something, talking to someone who is empathetic enough to listen is always going to make you feel better.

There are so many ways to connect with likeminded people; community groups, workshops, retreats or more professional help such as a therapist or coach, depending on your needs.

This is where I can help.  I can offer that empathy but also an objective ear, a confidential space which isn’t always as easy to achieve with friends or loved ones. When was the last time you truly poured your thoughts out to someone who was 100% focused on YOU?

“Helen was really encouraging and once she got me started, I felt like I couldn’t stop! I completely underestimated the power of just talking and having a platform to speak honestly. It allowed me to really hear my own thoughts, step back, and see them from a different perspective, which gave me so much clarity.” Lucy

And Finally

I’ve used all of these tips and techniques myself and I’ve seen my clients use them too. They work and there’s nothing to stop you trying one right now, today.

💫 I’m passionate about helping mums navigate the overwhelm and anxiety of parenthood and step ‘beyond mum’ to find their new purpose and design a life and career that brings them joy.

I wish I’d had me 10 years ago to guide me through my 40’s. I want to be there for you right now.

With love

Helen x

Book a free conversation online here or contact me hello@helenlangdon.com